


with honors

by orphan_account



Category: Free!
Genre: Exams, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, M/M, but I want this to be gen-friendly even though otp and all that, by which I mean I don't think I'd write those two things any differently for these two anyway, inevitable graduation dread
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-26
Updated: 2015-05-26
Packaged: 2018-04-01 10:31:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4016374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto takes the entrance exams and Haruka wonders how to tell him where he's going after graduation.</p><p> </p><p>Set between nationals and the flashforward in episode 13, before anyone's plans are set in stone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	with honors

It’s after ten PM the night before the college entrance exams begin and Makoto is freezing. He knows he should be in his bedroom doing some last-minute cramming or getting a good night’s sleep. Even if nothing he can do at this point is likely to change what happens tomorrow, he’s supposed to be trying. But the future weighs too heavy on his mind every time he opens up his books, and there are things in his head that keep crowding out examination skills.

And that’s why he’s standing on the Nanase front step, agonizing over whether to ring the doorbell when he knows Haru is probably on his way to bed. Haru always wakes up early so he can lounge in the bath as long as possible and that means he gets tired surprisingly early for a teenage boy. Makoto is a little jealous; waking up early to go jogging for training had always been much easier for Haru. But on the other hand, staying up late trying to get just one more practice exam in would probably have been much harder for Haru. Maybe it’s for the best he didn’t need to take the exams at all since so many schools have offered him athletic scholarships.

“Are you going to stand there all night?” comes the familiar voice from around the corner of the house. Feeling not a little stupid, Makoto walks over to find Haru sitting on the porch just out of sight of the front step, feeding a stray cat and looking pointedly back at him.

“Sorry, Haru.” Makoto grins sheepishly, scratching his cheek. “I wasn’t sure you were awake still.”

“I’m not tired,” Haru says quietly. “And I heard you walk up.” _And I was worried when you stood there not saying anything_ , he doesn’t add, but Makoto’s sure he could hear it anyway. He hasn’t completely lost the knack for understanding Haru, not yet.

“It’s such a lovely night,” Makoto says, looking up at the stars, easily visible on such a clear night. There’s a breeze he can feel even through his jacket, but now that he’s not paralyzed with indecision it doesn’t feel quite as cold. “I thought I might go for a walk.”

Haru hums in agreement, giving the stray one last scritch behind the ear before standing up and walking towards Makoto, easily falling into the same rhythm but a half-step behind so Makoto can lead the way without needing to talk.

“Don’t you need a jacket?” Makoto chides him without pausing as they head down the steps, fully aware that Haru isn’t going to go back for one no matter what he says.

“You’re the one who’s a wimp about the cold,” Haru shrugs.

They walk along in companionable mostly-silence, Makoto occasionally offering an anecdote about what his siblings have been doing with their days off. Mostly he hasn’t had time to notice anything the twins had been doing lately. Sometimes he overhears them complaining about not getting to spend time with him anymore, but they obey when their mother tells them Makoto needs quiet time to study, even though they don’t understand. He hopes they know how much he’d rather be playing with them. It’s hard to believe all this exam prep is really necessary to get him closer to his dream. He doesn’t feel any smarter and certainly not any more ready to help anybody. He just feels scared.

“Ah, here, Haru.” They’ve reached the pier where the town holds festivals, which lies dark and quiet tonight. Makoto feels like everyone who’s usually here cheerfully celebrating or just going about their daily lives is at home fretting about the exams in the morning, just like he should be. Rationally, he knows it’s only his class who had to worry this year, and only some of them at that; but it feels like he hasn’t had a chance to think about anything but entrance exams since the national swimming tournament ended, and it’s hard to remember what life was like before the haze of late-night study sessions and cram school. “Can we go up on the balcony?”

Haru frowns warily at him. It’s only fair; serious, draining conversations seem to be all they do up there these days.

“Just for a moment?” Makoto rubs the back of his neck. “We haven’t been back up there since … that night. And if tomorrow goes well, I won’t be back here to see it again for a while. So I’d rather have a better last memory.”

Haru looks away at that, but follows him up the dark steps anyway. At the top a few aging lamps shed just enough illumination to make it slightly less of a deathtrap, but not enough to outshine the stars. Makoto leans on the railing and watches the lights reflected in the water. Haru takes up his place beside, watching him.

“Such a clear night,” Makoto muses, a wistful smile forming on his lips. “You can see so far out, even past the islands. I’ll really miss this view, despite everything.”

Beside him, Haru hums, urging him to go on.

“You know, when we were little, I always worried that one day you’d just swim right out there, to where I couldn’t see you anymore, and you’d never come back. Even before the storm, when I could swim out to those islands with you without being afraid, I knew that you could go places that I never could.” He’s amazed at how much calmer he feels already just from letting it out. “I guess I was scared for a long time of you leaving me behind. Maybe that’s part of why I always wanted to go along when you went swimming. But now that it’s time, I’m not afraid anymore. I’m just really proud. You can go anywhere, Haru-chan.”

“Don’t…” Haru mumbles sullenly, looking away.

“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” Makoto laughs. “It’s just hard not to slip into old habits when I’m reminiscing.” Across the water, the darkness seems to go on forever. “I’m still sorry I didn’t tell you about my decision earlier. You were so reluctant to talk about the future, I didn’t want to force you. If you didn’t want to talk about your own, why would you want to hear about mine, right?”

Haru stirs next to him, but doesn’t say anything yet, so Makoto keeps going.

“It wasn’t because I didn’t think you deserved to know, that’s all. I was just more worried about you having something that mattered to you, I guess. So I won’t have to worry about you.”

“You don’t have to worry about me now,” Haru mutters.

“Then take better care of yourself, Haru.” Makoto smiles. Since coming back from Australia Haru has been more or less back to normal form again. This does include grumbling over Makoto’s fussing, but at least it doesn’t feel like there’s miles and miles between them any earlier than those miles are physically there.

“I’m so glad Rin was able to help you,” Makoto adds, once Haru is done scowling at the other boy’s worry. “I hoped maybe he could show you something that I couldn’t. Something that would make you care about the future.” _And then I wouldn’t have to feel bad about choosing to leave before making sure you felt safe_ , he doesn’t add.

He knows Haru doesn’t need him. He hopes he doesn’t need Haru. They’ve gone down that road before; this time he doesn’t want to see Haru having to chase him down, face drawn with worry. Haru never seemed to understand why Makoto cared about being able to stand on his own, but maybe someone like Haru who can go anywhere couldn’t understand how it feels to only be able to trail in his wake. Not that he minds that entirely; he suspects he could follow Haru forever if he knew they were both okay with it. But Haru deserves to be free.

Haru’s watching the ripples in the water, how the consequences of each action run together, turning into something new. “I sent off my university acceptance letter this morning,” he says abruptly.

Makoto’s eyes widen and he almost loses his grip on the railing he’s leaning on. “You chose where you’re going, then? Where?”

Haru doesn’t look up. Makoto can’t see his eyes; he could be trying to say anything. “I’ll tell you later. Ask me again after your exams.”

“Eh? Not fair, Haru!”

Haru shrugs, a shrug which probably isn’t meant to say “you’re one to talk about keeping secrets” but feels a bit like it. He stands up abruptly and finally looks Makoto in the eye again. “Come on, let’s go home. You need your sleep. Tomorrow’s important.”

Makoto’s not sure that he’ll ever be ready, but a little of the weight is off his shoulders now, and he lets Haru lead them both home.

*

The first day of the exams goes by in a blur. The tests today are social studies and literature, which he feels relatively comfortable with, and English, which he definitely does not. But Rin has been letting him come by in the evenings sometimes to practice, and while Makoto’s pronunciation still produces a wince he’s become a little better at listening comprehension and for right now that’s what matters most. He doesn’t need to do perfectly, or so he tells himself, just well enough to seem like he could navigate if he was ever taking a team to a foreign competition. (If he makes it to the point that he’s professionally responsible for a real team. It feels so far away from where he is right now.)

Makoto makes a point of leaving in time to arrive early to the center in Tottori, dragging himself out of the house long before he’d usually be awake. Haru is already up, of course, waiting on the steps and tightening his jogging shoes with his maddening early morning calm. The two of them walk together to the train station, Makoto grateful for the company in the morning dark even if Haru doesn’t have much to say. Makoto’s not sure he could make conversation right now anyway; it feels like if he makes the effort to think of small talk, it might push some crucial fact out of his head.

Haru sends him off with a quiet “You’re Makoto, you’ll be fine,” and turns away before the train doors has even finished closing. As the train starts to pull out of the station, Makoto watches Haru jog back up the hill. The school he’s chosen will probably send him a training regimen soon, but for now he’s mostly keeping up the same exercises they used to do together while preparing for nationals, plus a few things Rin recommended. Maybe when the exams are over Makoto can join him sometimes, for old time’s sake. Even if it matters less now whether he stays in condition, he doesn’t want to let go of that part of his life just yet.

Nagisa and Rei meet him at the station in Tottori since they live nearby. Nagisa looks particularly groggy, and Makoto suspects that someone had called him to wake him up although Nagisa tries very hard to seem like this was all his idea. Either way, it’s nice to have an escort to the exam center from someone who knows the way. Makoto’s heard horror stories of people who put in all the necessary cramming time only to not make it to the center before the exam starts. Rei proudly explains that he’s been scoping out the exam center ever since starting high school. He has, of course, calculated the optimal route between there and several local landmarks including the train station.

The end of the first day feels much lonelier. Nobody greets him at the door, nor any of the other students either it seems. It’s a reprieve, at best; tomorrow the same thing will happen again, and the relief of being able to let go of some of that desperately crammed knowledge is drowned out by the knowledge that all the wrong answers he’s put down are in the past now, out of his hands and unfixable. Half of it is set in stone and half of it is yet to come, and he’s not sure which part has him more worried.

He does have fallback plans if he doesn’t do well enough. It would be stupid if he didn’t. But he’s gotten fond of the idea of going to Tokyo, of being in the big city for the first time, of learning from the best how to help kids love the water like he does instead of having to make the most of whatever he can find at the local university. He likes that he’s found this thing for himself. It would be nice to do it well. He owes it to the students he might have someday.

And still … tonight, as he lies awake and tries to shift his brain between today’s topics and tomorrow’s, he’s acutely aware that every day he’s spent on this exam is one fewer day that he gets to spend with his friends. They’ve all done their best to support him through this and he’s more grateful than he could ever tell them, but it feels like a waste of their time together for them to be meeting him at cram school with snacks. If he doesn’t make the cut, he’ll have sacrificed what matters most to him for nothing.

Rin will be gone soon after school ends. He hasn’t said exactly when he’ll be leaving, but this town is too small for him, it always has been. Maybe the world is too small for him. But Makoto is optimistic that this time, he won’t stop returning letters. They’ve all learned the hard way how important they are to each other, Rin perhaps most of all. If nothing else, now that they aren’t little kids anymore, maybe they’ll be in a better position to intervene if Rin loses his way again. But Makoto doesn’t think it’ll come to that. Rin has learned lessons the rest of them have never even had to contemplate. They may not ever again be in the same place for very long, but Makoto’s not afraid of losing their friendship this time.

But Haru…

Makoto has been dreading the day they part for years now. Knowing that it’s coming hasn’t made it any easier; it just means he’s been mentally counting down the days ever since their third year started. Maybe before. He’s a little bit glad that it was him that took the first step so he could feel that he wasn’t just being left behind. At least he has that one brave act to lean on. But every day he gets to spend with Haru still feels like a little treasure, even after all these years; a precious jewel of safety and comfort and joy. And all the bravery he can summon isn’t enough to stop him feeling the cold pit in his stomach when he has to let one more of their so-few days go past without spending it together.

He feels like a baby bird learning to fly by being kicked out of the nest. Life with Haru quietly by his side is the only kind of life he’s ever known. He hopes he’ll soar. He fears he’ll plummet. The only outcome that’s impossible is nothing changing at all. Whatever happens, he’s set on this course, and when it’s over he’ll be something entirely different.

(But when he lies awake at night, it still haunts him that the night they fought was clearly the first time Haru had ever really thought about their parting. All that time when Makoto had been counting down the days, he’d been doing it alone.)

*

Somehow, he gets some rest. Maybe just barely enough, because in the morning he’s buzzing with the kind of nervous energy that usually means he’s barely slept and will crash hard in the evening. It’s enough to get him out of bed and onto the train despite the lack of escort this time, and it keeps him alert enough to answer the science questions without thinking too hard about how this really isn’t his best subject.

They get a short break for lunch in the middle of the exams, just long enough to eat whatever they’ve brought with them. This morning Makoto wasn’t sure he’d ever stop feeling queasy long enough to eat again, but right now he’s grateful for a chance to replenish his strength and get some fresh air. Everything smells like ancient pencil shavings and nervous sweat in there.

The test administrator had allowed them to grab their phones for the break, so Makoto turns his on while he unpacks the bento his mother had made him, complete with a proud smiling seaweed face on his rice. (He’d told her years ago that he was too old for cutesy bentos, and besides, it made him feel bad that she put so much effort into something he would eat no matter how it looked. But right now, the gesture fills him with a warmth that helps settle the fear gnawing in his stomach.)

There are a few new supportive text messages from his friends, those who hadn’t managed to get theirs in before exams started again this morning. Nagisa is one of the late well-wishers, but his message more than makes up in cheery emoji what it lacks in timeliness. Gou’s is new too; she kindly urges him to do his best and to make sure to eat a healthy lunch to support his brain muscles. (Is that how that works? Makoto resolves to look this up when he gets home, if he has room to learn anything else.) Rei’s polite but heartfelt message had already arrived when he woke up this morning, complete with a list of calming breathing exercises which had actually been quite helpful. Rin had been soon after that, sending a picture of a cherry blossom floating in a puddle and the instruction to “kick ass, Makoto, I’ll need a place to crash when I visit Tokyo”.

There are a few other messages from distant family that he flicks quickly through, resolving to read and reply properly when he’s not trying to finish lunch and practice mindful breathing at the same time. He’s surprised to see a voicemail notification, which he almost skips to save time until he notices the number it came from.

A voicemail? From _Haru_? Haru barely remembers he has a phone, much less picks up and makes a call knowing he’ll have to talk to an answering machine. This, Makoto has to listen to.

Haru’s voice coming from the phone is so awkward it makes him cringe. “Makoto. How’s it going? …. Okay.” Then a few seconds of silence before the beep signifying he’d reached the end of his new messages. Haru was never good when confronted with a voicemail prompt; he always counted on having another person to sense when to end the conversation for him, and the silence of the answering machine doesn’t do him any favors.

Makoto checks the time. He has a few minutes yet before having to go back to the exam. Haru wouldn’t have called if it wasn’t important, right? It’s going to distract him all afternoon if he doesn’t get to talk to Haru now. His phone prompts him again to save the message, delete, or call back, and he quickly hits the button to call back.

“Haru!” Even his own voice is starting to sound alien to him. “Thank you for calling. How’s it going?”

“That’s my line,” Haru says, with the slightly hesitant tone he always gets when he’s on the phone, like he’s giving Makoto extra time to fill in the details since he can’t see his face.

“Hah. I think it’s going okay. It’s nice to hear a human voice though…” There’s a weird noise in the background, much louder than the Nanase house tends to be. “Haru, is that splashing? You’re at the pool, aren’t you?” The awkward silence at the other end of the line confirms it. “Well, I guess that’s your duty now, isn’t it? Just like mine is to take this test…”

Haru sounds distracted when he finally speaks again. “Don’t worry about that. You’re going to be fine. You’ve worked very hard.”

“Hmmm…” It’s really settling in now, this is what sets their paths in stone. The beginning of the end. Whatever happens here today determines his future. Maybe Haru’s already gone in his head, now that he’s sent his decision letter out. But he called, that has to mean something.

It’s not that Makoto doesn’t want this, the university, teaching, Tokyo. He does. He’s never wanted anything more. It just feels so much more real and final now, seeing the test paper, knowing it’s still there waiting for him while he tries to catch his breath.

“Hey, Haru, will you at least give me a hint where you’re going?”

“Not ‘til you’re done,” Haru chides, like someone scolding a child who wants dessert first. “It must be time for you to go back, anyway.”

“Ahhhhh… Okay, okay. You’re right. See you later, Haru. Thanks for calling.”

“Yeah.” The line goes dead. He thinks it was meant to be a “you’re welcome” sort of yeah, but he’s starting to realize how hard it is to tell from a distance.

*

When it’s done, they all trudge out into the dimming sun like prisoners kept underground for years. One way or another, their futures are out of their hands now. Makoto tries to see himself as free now rather than helpless, but that’s never really been his thing. He likes the weight of obligation, it anchors him. And at least when he was studying there was something he could do about it, even if it was a step out of his comfort zone to be working for his own solitary dream instead of supporting someone close to him.

He hadn’t really planned anything past the exams themselves. After months of studying, it seems impossible that they’re behind him now.

There’s a mass of people gathered outside the exam center, waiting a respectful distance for the candidates to shuffle out. Makoto’s eyes are so bleary he doesn’t focus on anybody in the crowd until Ran and Ren’s shout of “Onii-chan!” cuts through the fog. Haru’s there too, giving a tiny wave as he looks up from the game of tic-tac-toe he’d been playing with Ran before the twins dashed off to grab Makoto around the knees.

“Haru-chan told us you had to go do something very brave this weekend!” Ran volunteers eagerly. “And we were worried but he said if we did something very brave too then we could help you be brave!”

“So he took us to the pool and I swam a whole length without a kickboard and it was scary but I did it anyway!” Ren adds, eyes bright.

“And I treaded water!” Ran interrupts, not to be outdone. “ _And_ I did the backstroke a little but Haru-chan says I should get you to teach me because you’re the best.”

“ _That’s_ why you were at the pool?” Makoto asks Haru, dumbstruck.

“... Sorry. Should I have told you? I didn’t want to distract you.” Haru shrugs. “I thought a swim would help us feel better.”

Us? “Maybe you should be the one who’s teaching.”

Haru snorts. “It’s easy with them. The water already likes them. They’re your siblings, after all.”

“Haru, I have no idea what that means.”

The twins have settled naturally around both of the older boys’ legs, eagerly chattering to each other. Ren’s hand is clutching onto a loose bit of Haru’s jacket. Makoto’s heart clenches for a moment; the twins are losing more than anyone, with both of their big brothers leaving at the same time for reasons that they can barely understand. He knows they’re trying to be brave, but he can hear them when they ask his parents what they can do to make it so he can stay. And he’s been unable to reassure them himself because he’s been so busy working on making it so he can leave them.

Another thing he’ll never be able to thank Haru enough for. He hopes he knows anyway, but that’s not the point. Makoto adds it to the mental list of things that he still needs to figure out how to do in the dwindling reserve of days.

“Oh!” interjects Ren, suddenly tugging on Makoto’s sleeve to get his attention back. “Onii-chan! Mom and dad wanted to take us out for dinner to celebrate now that your ‘zams are done! We’re ‘sposed to meet them back at the station in Iwatobi!”

Makoto takes his hand, grateful for the distraction from his own shortfalls. “That sounds lovely. We’d better hurry and catch a train then, hadn’t we?”

“Ah… I’ll go with you as far as the station,” Haru says, or asks really, taking Ran’s hand as they start to walk towards Tottori station.

“Don’t be silly!” Ran scoffs. “You’re coming too! It’s a family dinner, after all!”

Haru looks away at that, but Makoto swears he can see the edges of a smile around his face.

*

After dinner Haru makes excuses for why Makoto can’t go home with them just yet. Makoto doesn’t really catch them; he’s still not sure why Haru can’t just say his news in front of everybody else. Doesn’t he want them to be proud of him too? The Tachibanas have watched over every step of Haru’s life, just as much as Makoto has; they’ll celebrate whatever illustrious path his life takes as if he was their own son. (Indeed, Makoto hopes they’ll have some pride left over for their actual son.)

Instead, after the two of them finish waving at the Tachibana van retreating up a hill, Haru leads them back towards the balcony over the sea. The sun is setting now, casting a muted purple light over everything. It feels a little like anything could happen.

“We didn’t finish making a better memory for this place,” Haru explains hesitantly as they walk up the steps. “I need to do my half.”

Makoto waits for him to continue, but Haru doesn’t look back, just keeps walking up the crumbling steps. Whatever it is he has to say, he seems to need to take his time and trusts that Makoto will give it to him.

Haru walks all the way to the other side of the overlook, looking down into the harbor. The last boats are coming in, every one bound for home whether as successes or failures. Makoto follows him, taking up his place by his side.

“Did you really think I was just going to swim away and leave you behind?” the blue-eyed boy says quietly.

“Haru, I was just a kid-”

“Did you?” Haru says again, unchanging. That’s not anger in his tone. It might be hurt.

Makoto sighs, rests his hands on the railing as well and looks out to sea alongside his lifelong friend. “I don’t think I thought that you would, exactly. I was afraid you would. That maybe I was wrong and you weren’t happy here. That you couldn’t be happy here, no matter what I did.”

“Stupid,” Haru mutters. “You should have said something.”

“Maybe.” Makoto laughs, ruefully. “Instead I just tried to be fun enough that maybe you’d come back for visits sometimes, since I couldn’t follow you.”

Haru sighs into the wind. He looks a thousand miles away already. “You’re the brave one.”

“Eh?” Makoto’s startled. He doesn’t feel very brave. He’s always just done what makes sense, or what has to be done. Little things. Someone has to have tissues for when the twins get a runny nose; someone has to make sure Haru goes to school even when he can’t convince himself that school or anything else is worth doing, because he’ll feel worse if he doesn’t. And someone had to find a use for Makoto after high school. There wasn’t really a choice.

“You found your dream all by yourself. I couldn’t do it without you and Rin helping me because I was too scared to face it by myself.” His fingers curl around the railing. There’s fire in his eyes, or maybe that’s the sunset. “Why would you think I wanted to run away alone? I’ve never been alone before, have I?”

Makoto clutches the railing too, unthinkingly echoing Haru. “No. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I thought all I wanted was to be alone, too. I did dream of swimming away, just like you feared. You just usually know me better than I do.” He won’t look up. “I’m glad. I don’t think I could have made it this far alone.”

Makoto breathes in the salt air, holds it, exhales. “Maybe I couldn’t tell what you really wanted because I was afraid of projecting what I wanted onto you.”

Haru shrugs. “Aren’t they the same thing anyway?” The breeze is picking up. This is the most Haru’s said in a long time. It sounds like the words have been rattling around inside him for days. It feels wrong somehow to make him talk so much. Makoto should know without him having to say anything. “I spent so long trying to push everyone away. I only really understood that when I saw Rin trying to do the same thing when he was hurting. You were the only one who kept reaching out to us both anyway no matter how hard we pushed.”

Makoto can’t look at him right now. “I wasn’t being selfless, you know. I just wanted more than anything not to lose you.”

“I’m still grateful. Maybe more grateful that you thought I was worth going through that.”

A silence falls between them now. The words need time to settle in, to soak through the skin. They’ve spent their whole lives understanding nearly all of each other, but the hidden remainder keeps building up between them. If they’re going to be able to stretch and grow without regrets, they need to say these things.

“Haru?” Makoto’s amazed by how small his own voice sounds right now, but Haru hears him anyway, turns his head a fraction, just enough to be able to see Makoto’s face. “You were going to tell me where you were going.”

Haru swallows visibly, but turns so he’s facing Makoto full on. He must want to do this properly. “A school in Tokyo made me an offer and I accepted. I’m going to Tokyo.” Makoto wonders what his own face is doing, because Haru immediately follows up with a softer “Is that okay?”

When he looks back at it later, he’ll probably see that this whole conversation was leading up to that. Right now, it feels like the rising wind has given way to a sudden bolt of lightning striking him to the core. Maybe it wasn’t Haru that was failing to think through all their possible futures. For all Makoto’s counting down and steeling himself against farewell, he’d never considered that they could both leave and still end up in the same place.

“It’s a little ways away from where you’re going,” Haru is saying, words pouring out of him like he’s trying to plug a leak with them. “So you don’t have to see me unless you want to. And if I’m there, I can see my parents more often, and it’s a very good program, and they’ve been really generous-”

“Haru.” There’s so much that he’s never known how to say. He puts it into saying Haru’s name now, like he does every time he says it. Haru’s shoulders ease a little bit even before he can say anything else. “That sounds wonderful.”

“I didn’t want to tell you before your exams. This weekend was about you and your future, not about me. You’ll go on and become a wonderful coach no matter what I do.” Haru smiles, one of his small but genuine smiles that would be so easy to overlook on anyone else but brightens everything around him when he does it. “But it would be nice to still be able to see you sometimes. So it’s a good thing that I’m sure you did well.”

It feels right, in a way that his expectations of Haru going to Australia or America or the middle of the ocean never quite did. The two of them, neither one following nor leading for very long, stepping side by side through life as unspoken and as natural as their daily walk down the shore to go home.

Haru hasn’t been trying to pull away from him these last few weeks; he’s been worried about Makoto. (Maybe even worried that if anything keeps Makoto from doing well on the exams, the future he’s hoping for won’t come to pass. Makoto doesn’t want to assume that, isn’t even sure he really wants it to be true, but the thought of it, just for a moment, makes him feel warm inside.)

“I really had it all wrong, huh?” Makoto says. It’s a wonder what a relief it feels to realize and accept it, even though he’s disappointed in himself. He should know Haru better than this by now. “Haru, you’re so amazing. You don’t know how people just light up in wonder when they see you swim. I wanted so much for everyone to see it, I guess I forgot to be sure that’s what you wanted, too.”

Haru starts to turn his head, then breathes slowly in and out and faces back to look Makoto in the eye. “I don’t know if I can be the person you all think that I am. I’m just a boy who swims. I don’t really know what it is that I want the way that you do. But…” He shrugs. “There’s a lot out there in the world. It’s not so bad. I’d like to see it for a bit. Just so long as I can come back home after.”

Makoto chuckles. “I guess I’m going to be too busy in school to see the world for a long time, huh? You’ll have to keep coming to see me so you can tell me about it.”

“That’s what I said, isn’t it?” Haru mumbles, and he’s so earnest and so embarrassed that Makoto can’t help but laugh again.

“What?” Haru adds, annoyed, but it’s no use. The laughs keep pouring out of Makoto, piercing and light, like something made of thin sharp glass shattering on the concrete and spilling its contents.

“It’s just,” he says, between chuckles, “I spent so long trying to figure out how I’d say goodbye to you.” If Haru sees that his hand comes back damp from wiping his eye, he is kind enough not to mention it. “And now I don’t have to yet.”

“Idiot,” Haru replies softly. “You never have to. Wherever we go, whatever we do, don’t say goodbye.”

“We have to someday, Haru. We’re growing up.”

“That doesn’t have to mean anything we don’t want it to,” Haru says, with the stubbornness that Makoto hates and loves in equal measure. “Come on. Let’s go home.”

And when Makoto tries to walk on the side next to the ocean on the way back, just to be sure, Haru lets him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> I want to write a series of loosely connected vignettes following these two as they grow further together in Tokyo. Possibly eventually romantic, because I've never really written a proper romance (just, um, smut), but I'd really like to keep it gen-friendly for a while. Please keep an eye out if you're interested!


End file.
